All you need is you

Ever since I was a child, I always knew what my wedding would be like. I could see the strapless princess dress. The outdoor wedding set in a field with mountains in the distance. How I’d be so happy having the time of my life with my family and friends.

I couldn’t wait to find someone I could do that with. Someone who I could start a family with. The problem is I’ll never find it by looking for love. I should be focusing on me and not trying to find someone to help complete me.

My brother said that before he could think about finding love, he needed to focus on himself and live the life he wanted to live. He needed to be happy being himself.

Then when he found someone (and he wouldn’t go looking), it would be to complement himself. To find someone to share a life with, but not to rely on them and lose yourself in the process.

You see, when it comes down to it, you don’t need someone else to be happy. All that matters is you. What makes you happy? What do you want out of life?

All you need is you. You can still care for other people, but don’t let it change you. Because you are important and you deserve to be happy.

Online chatrooms as a girl is challenge

I’d been reading a lot of stories about people making friends in online chatrooms. So I thought, hey, why not give this a go?

I went in with the intention of just chatting to some people and perhaps making some friends. I mean I only broke up with my ex just over a month ago and I’m not ready to date yet.

I tried out Zobe first with the name jessiec. Within seconds I had private messages popping up, saying ‘hey’ and ‘how are you’. All seemed friendly to me. So I replied to a few people with a ‘hi’ and I’m good thanks, you?’

The first guy responded with a ‘truth or dare’. Hmm, that looked like a trap to me so I ignored him.

Messages were popping up all over the place. Beautiful romantic messages like “hey I’m super horny, you want to watch me stroke myself on cam?” or “you wearing latex I can spunk on?” 😒

But there did appear to be one nice guy that wanted to chat. He said that he came online sometimes to talk, but most people didn’t want to. It was refreshing to joke around with someone about how all the messages I seemed to get were rude messages. He kept up with the normal talk, telling me about how he was a graduate student away on a school trip in South Korea. That he actually lived in California.

The guy asked whether I had Skype, which I told him I don’t. I’m relatively shy talking to people over video chat and I’m not going to start Skyping someone I’ve talked to very briefly.

I’d also been getting a weird vibe from the guy, like he had some hidden agenda. He kept saying that he was chilling in bed, which could be seen as innocent. But then he started asking if I was curvy or slim, what is my best feature and what about me gets a guys attention.

I told him I had to leave work now. He goes on to tell me that he really wants to talk to me. I tell him if he really wants to, I’ll be back on later. He confesses that he really wants to talk to me and he’ll only wait for me to return if I make it worth his while 😉 Queue, close browser.

I don’t know what compelled me to try the chatroom again later that night. Perhaps I was curious to see if it is possible to make friends online. If you’ve seen catfish, you’ll see that people do make friends for years, although I’ve watched enough catfish to ensure I don’t get hooked.

This time, I opted for the name catsarecool. Surprisingly, having this name doesn’t draw as many crude messages. Although there’s still plenty of guys desperate for some webcam fun. Including a girl user who wants some fun, but he’s actually a boy, is that ok? Err no.

Yet I did find some people that started up with some friendly conversation, starting along the lines of ‘yeah cats are cool’. At one point a 13-17 year girl popped asking ‘if I liked dogs’ followed by ‘if I liked monkeys’, then disappeared offline. One guy just kept saying ‘meow’.

I started chatting to one guy from America who was bored and thought he’d try chatrooms for the first time. He said how he found the experience weird. I could relate. It was like a Q&A session consisting of, how are you, how old are you, where you from, what do you do for work.

I admitted I was going to play some Skyrim on PS4, as I had just started (only six years too late). He announced that he wanted to play too and it was ‘all about the mods’. We became friends on Playstation. He wants to invite me to a party, so we can chat. I can’t find my mic (I’ve just moved and all my stuff is piled up in my Mum’s garage), but he persists I find them. Eventually I grow tired of being pestered to find my mic which was proving a mission to find and I just want to play some Skyrim.

I am still chatting to a few people online, but most seem to have seedy intentions, asking if I’m single and what I look like. I noticed something strange whenever I asked what the guy looked like. It seemed that all the guys I talked to were ‘good looking’, as in they actually listed their looks as ‘I am good looking’. Followed by things like blue eyes, ‘nice hair’, broad shoulders and a ‘athletic build’. Wow, I didn’t realise so many good looking guys went online. Oh and they liked to add the fact that they have big feet or hands. It must mean they wear big shoes or gloves.

It was time to call it a night and play some Skyrim.

Have any of you guys tried online chatrooms? How’d you find the experience?

Big Little Lies is too awkward to watch with your parents

SPOILER ALERT: Please note that this relates to the second episode of Big Little Lies. So don’t read this if you don’t want to spoil it.

A few weeks ago, I turned on the TV and the first episode of Big Little Lies had started. Intrigued by the famous cast and the mystery, I thought, why not give this a go?

My Mum is similar to me and enjoys a bit of mystery. We were easily gripped and decided to set the series to record.

Yesterday I realised I had been obsessing over Dexter for too long and needed to watch more Big Little Lies (that and I wanted to draw out Season 8 for as long as possible).

Well I was in for a shocker. Don’t get me wrong, I am quite open with my Mum about sex, but there’s a limit to it, as in no graphic details.

Big Little Lies was way above the limit. It was like watching a porno with my Mum.

There was a scene with Nicole Kidman, where her character has an explosive argument with her husband. He slaps her. She punches him. He slams her hand into a wall. It was really quite nasty, but then the husband stops, drops to his knees then starting apologising and kissing her belly.

Then he’s on his feet and is trying to kiss her, but she keeps pulling away and saying no, like he’s forcing her into it. Next thing I know, he’s flipping her around and shagging her like a rampant rabbit. Oh and they didn’t end it there, they ensured we got to see the climax.

“Ok, that was a bit much,” I said, hoping my words would clear the awkwardness.

Big Little Lies wasn’t finished there. Later on, Nicole Kidman’s husband was away on business and decided to FaceTime her. He asked her to take off her dressing gown. Oh no, not more of this. I pretended to be busy looking at my iPad while she did, but luckily she ended it saying he’d have to come home for more.

Phew, we are near the last few minutes of the show and we’ve made it through without anymore awkwardness. Oh, how wrong I was.

Suddenly I find myself watching Nicole’s husband jacking off over FaceTime while she touches herself (luckily hands are under pants and parts are not exposed).

Tonight we were going to watch the third episode of Big Little Lies. Unfortunately I’ve seen a few articles popping about the fact that there are more racy scenes, involving Nicole’s husbands exposed penis. So it looks like more awkwardness to come.

My Mum went on a date and I eavesdropped

Ok so I didn’t intentionally eavesdrop, it happened by accident. Right place, wrong time sort of thing.

My doctor had upped my anxiety/depression medication and I had a tension headache that wasn’t easing up. I tried keeping myself distracted and went around my sisters. By 8pm my headache got worse. My sister told me to take some painkillers and head straight to bed when I got home.

I knew my Mum was out on her date during the day and was expecting to come home early evening. Well she wasn’t home when I returned.

At this point, my head had hit migraine level. My head throbbed and I just wanted to curl up in bed. My Mum’s hot beanie took too long in the microwave (one minute in reality) and I could barely keep my eyes open while I waited.

Finally, painkillers swallowed and I could clamber into bed.

I was just dozing off when I heard the back door open, announcing my Mums return. But she wasn’t alone.

The man my Mum was on a date with was a work friend. He had been her friend for four years now and they had never considered themselves more than friends. They always chatted at work and over text, but never met up outside work. Since things recently had turned a bit more flirty, it was time to meet up. But my Mum had her doubts that maybe nothing much would happen and he would leave early evening.

I was sure that was kissing sounds. Was I hearing things? I lay in bed for a bit, dozing but aware of the chatter, giggling and the kissing sounds here and there. Was I hearing right?

Curiosity got the better of me and I crept forward to my bedroom door. I opened the door very slightly, trying to do it slowly as the door creaked. Yes, that was definitely kissing.

I went back to bed but just as I was dozing, I realised I needed to pee. I live in a bungalow with my Mum and brother and the bathroom is near the living room, where they were. I was quite sure they didn’t know I was there and I wasn’t keen on meeting someone I didn’t know in my PJs, but I had to pee or I wouldn’t sleep.

I darted to the bathroom, quick and stealthy, without looking towards the living room. Luckily I’d shut the door to the living room so all I could see were blurs through the glass door. Nothing but silence outside the bathroom and I’m sure all they could was my peeing. Great.

I made it back to my bedroom without any embarrassment and soon the chatter continued. I’m sure they were just as embarrassed as I was.

The next morning as I was getting dressed, I started to hear chatter from my Mum’s bedroom next door. Wow, my Mum’s date really did go well.

I hurriedly got dressed, wanting to be out in the living room first. I was just eating some breakfast when my Mum walked in, grinning.

“Went well then?” I grinned back at my Mum.

“Yeah. We didn’t sleep together like that though.”

I followed my Mum into the kitchen, wanting to find out more.

“I felt a bit awkward last night creeping to the loo. I was sure you didn’t know I was there.”

“We didn’t.” My Mum laughed, her voice dropping to a whisper. “We thought you were still at Laura’s-” (my sister) “until we heard you go to the toilet. Michael-” (my brother) “- walked in and I hadn’t realised he was there. I somehow managed to end up with my head on his lap and it was too late to move by the time Michael walked in. He just put his hand forward and said, hi, I’m Michael, nice to meet you.”

We were just discussing the fact that Mum hadn’t expected him to stay the night, how they got drunk and were chatting for hours, when the guy walked in sheepishly.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” I smirked at this stranger, hoping he hadn’t heard us gossiping like high school girls.

“Nice to meet you.” He smiled back.

After that we sat in the living room, making small talk while my Mum made coffee. When my Mum arrived I was glad to see Smokey Joe walk in, allowing me to focus on rubbing my cats belly and get away from the awkward chit chat. Then with a final ‘nice to meet you’, I escaped to work.

So I somehow managed to put myself in an awkward position. But it was great to see my Mum looking so happy.

You are not alone with your mental health issues

I noticed a recent article that came out about Selena Gomez. You can read it for yourself here.

Selena Gomez opened up about the fact that she suffered from anxiety and depression. As quoted here:

“Tours are a really lonely place for me. My self-esteem was shot. I was depressed, anxious. I started to have panic attacks right before getting onstage, or right after leaving the stage. Basically I felt I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t capable. I felt I wasn’t giving my fans anything, and they could see it—which, I think, was a complete distortion.”

Source: Vogue

It’s good to know that even celebrities can suffer. We see celebrities all the time doing so much with their life that it seems like surely they don’t suffer such issues. Or if they do, they don’t have openly talk about it.

I’ve noticed recently other celebrities have opened up about their mental health issues. Chrissy Teigen recently opened up about the fact she suffers from postnatal depression. Ryan Reynolds announced he suffered from anxiety.

The fact is that it may seem like you are alone suffering. It may seem like you have done something wrong to be suffering from this. But you have not. Anyone can suffer and a lot of people are going through the same thing you are. Even celebrities who look like they have it all figured out.

And they got better too. They got through their suffering and are living life again. Which I know you can do too.

Do you wish you could take your cat everywhere with you?

I know I sure do. I’d love to take Smokey Joe everywhere with me. To look beside me and see his excitement as he saw the world outside home.

In reality, training Joe to come with me would prove challenging. Plus the fact I don’t think I’d be allowed to take him to work with me.

Yet I’ve seen people do it. When I was young I remember seeing a ginger cat happily sat behind its owner, looking out the window on the Paris underground. Or the time I saw a cat patiently sat beside its owner while she shopped in H&M. On both occasions the cat didn’t even have a leash, but the cat never ran away.

When I got Joe I initially intended on taking him outside with a harness. The first few times I put the harness on him, there was a bit of a struggle but eventually I got it on.

Unfortunately Joe protested, walking around the garden as if he had a stack of books on his back. Alongside the constant looks of disgust thrown my way.

Joe soon realised he should perhaps refuse putting the harness on. Every time I stuck a paw through one loop of the harness, he removed another paw from the harness. After an hour struggling, I gave in, he was not going in the harness and I would have to let him explore without me.

I would consider trying again, but he still dodges my attempts at putting his collar on, although I do win that battle.

So yes, my cat has outsmarted me and I have to accept the fact I can’t take him everywhere with me. I can certainly dream though!

My Mum inspires me

My Mum has been through a lot. She was with my Dad for about 30 years when he decided to leave her for another woman. Since then, for the last five years he has left that woman and come back to my Mum on a few occasions. He is now with that other woman.

Since my Dad left, my Mum started suffering from from anxiety and depression. The last time Dad left again, six months ago now, she really hit rock bottom. She took some time off work and started on antidepressants.

Despite all the pain, she went back to work and carried on with life. I recently moved in with her and we’ve had several good heart to hearts. This is where she inspires me. Because she tells me she still gets down about things, yet she doesn’t give up. Through all the pain, she has the courage to keep going. She’s started going out more and chatting to people online. She’s no longer hiding away and that takes a lot of bravery.

It goes to show that we all have the strength to get better ❤